Hikaru~ :]

After last night, is it any wonder that I feel like shit again?

I swear, I've just come to the conclusion that the Dark Hour just... makes you feel terrible. The two instances I've been in it, I feel, well, terrible.

Luckily for me, today was a school day, so I had to go when I could hardly walk straight. You know that was fun, I mean, because I love crashing into lockers when I just want to get to homeroom. 

Class was no different. Sure, I wasn't walking around, but if anything happened today, I surely don't remember any of it. I'm pretty sure I slept almost entirely through the class period... and because it's a Wednesday (lovely), I technically should have gone to Student Council today. Well, I really wasn't going to deal with any of that.  So I started to leave, right?

And then Odagiri-san pops up, literally, out of nowhere! I'm not even sure where he came from, but he came up and asked me if I needed any help. From you? No. From anyone? Hah, no. Seriously? I mean... at the time I thought I could just walk home myself. Or at least get to the train. So I tell him he's surely busy and has better things to do, but he insists. Still, I try to go without him.

That doesn't work out, so I just tell him to take me only as far as the gates, which he does, and so... that was awkward. I thank him and try to get on my way, but then Hikaru-kun comes out of nowhere with a girl I guess he goes to school with (really, where is everyone freaking coming from?) named Rumiko. Who is apparently Maemi-chan's niece? Small world.

Buuut I digress. All that still bothers me. He... met my family. I mean, just my brother, but... isn't that weird? Maybe I'm just weird, but... fuck. I don't really want him in my business, much less knowing my life, because, really, why should he be so special? :c

I guess this makes a good thing that Mom and Dad don't really visit me, huh?

...Oh well. At least Hikaru walked with me~ <3

Dearest Tartarus,

I hate you. A lot.

I mean, really, does anyone here really know how much I hate guns?

Seriously. I hate guns. And death. And scary Shadowy... blob things that try to kill me. Yeah, uh, all kind of the same thing, but fffffseriously.

And there I was, standing in a giant tower that shouldn't even exist in a whatkindofmindfuckisthis hour that shouldn't exist. The rest of this group is just going up to these monsters and shooting themselves in the head all like, 'yup we're so cool that we're used to this.'

Sorry guys, can't really do that.

Still... I guess you gotta give them credit. Minato-san's got balls, taking us around in a place like this and being so calm about it, especially since he's the one giving the orders. How the hell he does it, I have no clue, I mean... putting myself up there, I hate to admit, I couldn't do it.

Everyone else seemed comfy, too. Junpei and Akihiko were way too excited at the idea of beating things up, though. Not that I should be surprised. And then Kirijo-san somehow spoke to us from the bottom floor. Through our minds. How the hell she suddenly got psychic powers is just. Ugh why do I even question things anymore?

I said it already and all, but... I don't like Tartarus. I don't like having to shoot myself with a gun. Minato-san tried to make me, but I couldn't ever do it, so... I suddenly burst in to tears? I don't even know why, I just, I couldn't stop it?

Damn it, I hate it when I cry in front of people. I messed up a lot last night, haha... and I knew they considered taking me back to the entrance because I couldn't do shit, but hey, all the better. ...I didn't want to be there! They took me with them still, though, and we eventually found this like... group of giant machines. And GUESS WHAT. They wanted to kill us, too! Yay.

Everything that happened is a haze now, really. I just remember being cornered by one of them, never feeling more scared. I guess I didn't even care at that point, and I just wanted to protect myself, so I grabbed the gun and used it. That... felt weird. Like... how do I even describe this.
It literally felt like wind. Inside me? ...That sounds fucking strange, but it's all I can think of when my whole body is protesting typing this blog post.

So that was the first time I summoned my Persona. I don't like it, but I guess I have to keep trying. -_-
Everyone seemed so proud of me, and... it was kind of nice, to have someone be proud of me for once. ...Yeah.

Man, I'm losing my mind. I just know it. Why do you think I'm still up at 3 in the morning? :|

Azami Fukumoto

Even through all the drama from yesterday, I do remember one thing: Minato-san said we were all going to Tartarus tonight. You know I'm so excited for that shit.

That aside, I guess I didn't want to go home instantly because of it, so I went to the shrine's playground again. I think I go there when I want to think about things. I've done it in the past a lot, so I figured, 'Hey! Why not go again?' It was a little different today, though. I usually don't find many people around the playground aside from little children playing on the swings or the slide. But I don't usually interact with them or anything, other than the few times when a child comes up to me.

So I was just kinda snapping pictures of them, watching them as they played, when a young girl asked to sit with me on the horizontal bar. And yeah, that was cool. She could do whatever she wanted.

She pointed at my camera and asked what it was. Which was interesting, because not that many people give a damn about a random teenage girl walking around taking pictures of stuff. But hey! We talked for a little bit about my picture taking and such before I realized I should probably get home and get ready for the Tartarus run...

But the girl, whose name was Azami, mentioned that she should probably go home, too, but she didn't want to because of her family. Hah, and do I know what you mean, kiddo.

Still. I felt bad because I could kinda sorta (alittlebit) relate. I never like seeing my family either... excluding Hikaru-kun, of course, but... eh. ...Nooot going there.

We resolved to go home, and I learned that Azami was afraid of heights after getting her down from that... bar thing. She sprinted away right after.

...Haha. She's... pretty cute. I think I'll keep her around.

...A menace, huh?

Isn't it amazing how you try to avoid something and you still get stuck in it anyway? For example, SEES was like that for a few days. Granted, Iori-san still kinda avoids me, but Akihiko wouldn't get off my ass until he got me to consider joining.

Well, Student Council is one of those things, too. Freaking Hidetoshi Odagiri is one of those people.

There I was, walking down the hall, about to skip Council again, when I heard something from the other end of the hallway. I had just come down the stairs from the third floor and neared the door, but I heard Odagiri-san's arguing, something that had come to grate on my nerves, with some other boy I had only seen once. Miyagi-san, I heard.

But something seemed off. Sure, Odagiri-san kinda... came off as, well... I don't know, but er, he just didn't deserve to be punched in the face. So I told Minato-san, who took care of that nicely by pretty much kicking that guy's ass.

Respect for Minato-san = +5

Sure, I could have possibly done it myself, but I couldn't get punched in the face. Too bad I would regret thinking that later when both Minato-san and I walked up to him. It took a rather blunt statement from Minato to strike it in Odagiri-san that he was going way too damn far with this accusing thing. That senior who just ran off with a bloody nose? Uhhhh, yeah, accused of smoking.

Random kids in the hallways? Accused of smoking. Random douchebags in Student Council? Also accused. Minato-san and I...? Never accused. I'll never understand why. Not that I want to be labeled a druggie or anything, but what makes me so damn special?

I remember Odagiri-san saying something about people... lying and backstabbing to get what they wanted, how those people were, ah, what did he say...? "Menaces to society"? That shocked me, really. I never understood how lying to keep yourself safe could be wrong. Self-preservation and survival are wrong? I'm just some... terror on society? Ohp, well, you better be careful, society. I'm comin', terrorizing the world with my terrible LIES AND DECEIT AND SELFISHNESS.

...Hatred for self = +10

Ugh, all that aside, I... I don't get it. Hearing something like that before, like from Akihiko, had the most minor effect on me, other than really pissing me off. But then Odagiri-san says it. I don't even like him! So... why is it that, just sitting in my room writing this, I feel like I want to cry?

I suppose I never realized how terrible I sounded from another perspective. But... hey, I don't really care. Let me be terrible. I'd choose that over someone getting attached to me any day.

Tests = Death

I'm just going to say it right out; I am tired. Not that that's anything new, right?

It's been a while since I wrote a post, though, so I thought I'd indulge my worried readers. :]!

I moved in to the SEES dorm last week. It wasn't really anything special. I just moved in with some help from Kirijo-san in making the arrangements for my room, along with Akemi-chan and Takeba-san who offered to help me put things up. But my choice of a move-in date was pretty bad, because mid-terms were that entire week and Kirijo-san wouldn't get off our asses about them. I was pretty much forced to study, and I... don't really like to study. Sure, I'll do it, but I never really had to at my old schools, so I never made it a habit. Time is also a problem now, with school, Student Council (which I still really don't want to go to all that much), and work most nights, what time do I have to study? That little period I have when I get home is time I take in either cooking or taking pictures or something. I sure as hell enjoy it a lot more. Studying is like taking a knife to my brain and probing it in there multiple times.

Can you tell I really don't like studying? Yeah. I hope you can feel my powerful dislike. Here, have some vibes~

On the bright side, it seems I convinced Maemi and Akihiko to finally sit together at lunch with me at the same time. That was nice, considering how awkward those two were around each other whenever I saw them, so I figured I'd be so kind as to help! Aren't I a good matchmaker?

I moved in freaking recently, too, and I could probably name all the future pairings in this dorm right now:

1. Akihiko and Maemi-chan are totally going to get together in a few months once they decide to finally get over themselves.
2. Minato-san and Takeba-san are a guaranteed couple. I don't have to say more than that.
3. Iori and Akemi-san, too.

It's going to happen. I bet you money.

Anyway, my current goal is to get the first pair to speak two or three words to one another. That'll be a breakthrough as far as they're concerned. Not much else to say, either, other than I'm sure I'm acting a little funny because of how exhausted I am from moving in and then following that up with exams. :| But hey, it's over now, at least. Now I'm just wondering about this Tartarus place everyone keeps talking about, because honestly? That place sounds like hell on Earth. As if the Dark Hour wasn't fucked up enough, apparently the school transforms into some giant tower of nonsense with clocks and crazy shit all over it. Oh, and more blood. Yayyy. I'm so EXCITED to go running around inside with a flimsy school uniform on and get epic pwned~

...Fml. -__-

Kudos!

There's nothing better on a Saturday afternoon when you just want to go home than being ambushed by a guy you hardly know, who then tells you to join the organization you already slapped another guy for asking you to join.

Nothing. I mean, that is just the highlight of my day, but I guess I should be grateful Akihiko didn't pull a gun on me like Junpei did. I still can't forget all of that, either.

I still think that the conversation would have been much more interesting if Akihiko just confessed that he liked Maemi already. Everyone knows it. Just come out with it! Be a man!

But no. He took me to that persimmon tree by the gyms and asked me to reconsider. I have to say that at least he explained what they do a lot better than Junpei had. Making Akihiko, Kirijo-san, himself, and me out to be superheroes just made no sense. I mean, imagine that! Like Akihiko wearing a cape and standing all valiantly for justice! Hell yeah. ...Snrk.

Clearly I just wasn't taking this conversation seriously at all. He insisted all of this was for a purpose, for the "protection of humanity." Fancy.

Just like Akihiko, too, with his blood knight ideals. How does a group of kids go about saving the entire world anyway? I mean, just because I have some special power means I have to go and risk my life for it? Call me a jerk, but I don't really like that idea. But then he goes and calls me selfish, says that my brother is included in humankind and that I should care more and protect him.

Oh, well, excuse me while I go punch something.

Are you fucking kidding me?! I practically mothered that kid for years! God knows my parents were too busy being at each other's throats to take care of us! Jackass thinks he knows the first thing about me? Right. Yeah, no one does, and I'm tired of people trying to think they do.

Guys piss me off. They think they know everything about you, about what you need. First Odagiri-san and his taking me into an Student Council full of dillholes, to Akihiko and his taking my closeness to Hikaru and throwing it in my face in knowing what would happen. Maaaan, the words fitting for this situation are just not appropriate to be said here. So I'll just think them happily. :]

Either way, if he's going to use my brother against me, guilt me into thinking that if I don't help, something will happen to him... fine. He planted a seed I can't get rid of, so I decided to join SEES today because of it. I just hope I don't regret it or hate myself for it later.

So kudos to you, Akihiko! Way to make a girl hate herself. Well... more than she already did.

Happy. Effing. Birthday. :|

Same day as that craziness before. Oh and, uh, still my birthday.

If you didn't notice by the last post, I was up until 2 in the morning last night. I couldn't get that whole... "Dark Hour" business out of my head. So even though I said I was going to sleep, I ended up staying up for hours after.

Now, because of that, I feel like I'm coming down with something. I got next to no sleep because I couldn't stop seeing all this blood and gore and coffins in my head, which are like the best images for helping you sleep, y'know, and it had been very cold that night for a girl in shorts and a t-shirt.

...It's what I sleep in. Don't judge!

So going to school today wasn't quite... the best idea. I felt terrible, and it was my birthday, so I conked out in class and did next to nothing interesting. After school, too, I just went straight home. Like there was even a point in attending Student Council, es-pecially after what happened last week. Anyone who thinks I'm going back after that insanity is fooling themselves. I'm not going to willfully hurt myself just to solve some cigarette incident. I'd rather keep myself somewhat sane than kill myself by... I guess, subjecting myself to that mental torture...

I don't care if it's wrong, either! I can only take so much.

...I feel so cold. >< Stupid illness.

As if my life wasn't already dysfunctional...

It gets even. Fucking. Weirder.

I mean, it's not like anything interesting really happens to me anymore. So, when something does, it's pretty serious. And something's gotta be pretty serious to be Sadako-worthy. Know what I'm saying?

So I'm in my dorm, minding my own business, right? Well, I go downstairs to get something to drink and I keep seeing something moving outside. I have no clue what it is so, being smart, I go and look outside. And, duh, it's dark. I can't see anything except some moving figure before I realized something -- it's a kid. A kid I know. A kid who shouldn't be out on the streets at night when he knows his father hates me. :]

Yeah, so my brother was out there.

I have to admit. I was pretty scared, seeing Hikaru-kun running around close to midnight. Who does he think he is, anyway? ...Ah, who am I kidding. I love the kid too much. Part of me was really happy to see him, even if it was dangerous...

He rushed towards me then and gives me a hug and a box that he tells me not to open until midnight comes. ...I was really surprised, to be honest (yeahthatdoesn'thappenveryoften), because he remembered my birthday. That was the first time for a long time that anyone bothered to remember it. So... hah, I started crying a little. Sorry ototo-chan. Probably didn't want to see your "cool big sis" melt down like that. Anyway, I'm kinda straying from the point.

He asks me to walk with him. Sad to say... I knew Dad would hate me for it, but I went anyway... but only because Hikaru begged me! I really need to get better at resisting that look. So we left the dorm and walked around the strip mall a tad, before stopping on a bench around there, where Hikaru makes me open the box a few minutes before midnight comes. He got me this charm bracelet, and it's gorgeous, and I love it to death...

And then he says Akihiko helped him get it and I can't stop laughing. Really, Akihiko? Sparkly things? I'm not forgetting this. EVER. ;]

The weirdest thing happened a few minutes later. By weird, I mean really fucking weird. Like... nightmarish weird, because everything turned green and bloody and the moon grew to about ten times its usual size. Not to MENTION, Hikaru wasn't really even there anymore. Like... He was a coffin. A. Coffin.

I freaked out. Some guy comes over and tells me that this is all because of some awesome power I have, but if this is what it makes me see, I'm not sure I want it. Seeing Hikaru disappear like that... I... don't think I'd ever been so effing terrified. Just... that doesn't happen.

This kid, Junpei he said he was, was so calm about all this, too. Making superhero references, and then topping it all off by... taking a gun from his waist and asking me to join this group called SEES. However, if you know anything about me (though chances are you don't), you'd know I hate those things. They scare me to death. Why? Yeah, I'm not even going into that...

So I told him no! Why would I join some organization with these guns? Even if they aren't real, y'know, just... what the hell? Don't pull a gun on me, you jackass. That's why I slapped you in the face.

I couldn't go home until Hikaru woke up, though. I pretty much clung to his coffin (wtf I wish this wasn't what actually happened) until he came back, confused, and I took him home before going home myself, holding onto the charm bracelet he gave me the whole time as if it was my life.

Now I see why I really didn't want that kid running around at night.

Ffs, Student Council

Well, um... Today wasn't the best day in the world.

You know, normally, I would start with some kinda snappy one-liner or something, but... I just can't manage that today. For the first time I feel almost genuinely scared. Not because anything has been really life-threatening or anything, but because somehow this school year has brought back more memories in almost two months than the other three combined managed to.

Today was another Student Council day, seeing as the rest of the week was generally pretty slow and inactive. I just... I didn't even have to walk through the doors to realize how much tension there was between everyone. Between Odagiri-san and the rest of the group especially. They argued and screamed over something so little, something I soon found to be that Odagiri-san received the help of a teacher with the cigarette incident without the President's permission or... or something. I hardly remember... I'm still shaking a little right now. It's hell to type...

You know how I thought it was going well? Well, this told me that it really wasn't.

The argument made me both angry and sad. I walked in, a very stupid move on my part, only to find Fushimi-san cowering away from the arguing. Still, she told me what happened, even when I had heard it through the door before, so I reprimanded the screaming and yelling as pointless. Because it was! Why did they have to scream over something that seemed so small?!

Not that my getting into it did anything. I think all it did was get myself involved in the damned argument, which was the last thing I wanted to do. Because you know what happens when you get involved?

Yeah, people blame you for shit. They assume things, like that I was taking Odagiri-san's side in the whole shpeal. WHICH, by the way, I was not.

I don't take sides in arguments. It only gets people pissed at you. And then Arisato-san enters the room in his casual way and deals with everything so damn well, feeding the fire and making them even more mad. ...And while amusing, it wasn't helping my case.

When it all comes down to it, I'm apparently a suck-up who can't come up with her ideas and stick to her own beliefs. And you know what? Fuck you guys! Everyone in this place, seriously, just proves me right. People are out to get you.

Even Odagiri-san, getting me stuck in this shit. Yeah. You better be sorry...